Forgiving the unforgivable with meditation

Look around you. How many people are truly happy? Not that many, right? One of the reasons why people are not fully enjoying the lives they're living is simple: they are stuck in the past. They are stuck with their past regrets, anger, unresolved issues and hurt. For many of us, instead of starting our day with hope, joy and anticipation, we relive our old, outdated yet equally toxic negative memories.

Believe it or not, anger is actually part of our biological response. It is designed to respond to environmental threats so we can defend ourselves and those around us. Therefore, a moderate dose of anger is perfectly natural and is actually good for us. However, being angry for a prolonged period of time is unhealthy, and if you have regular, uncontrollable anger outbursts, it may be a signal that there are some underlying problems which you should pay attention to.

Meditation is linked to enhanced empathy and compassion, but don't be tempted to force yourself to forgive someone by practicing meditation. You should probably find some ways to cope with the stressful situation, and bring closure to these events, before you decide when to forgive the persons involved. There is nothing more destructive than simply forgiving and not drawing healthier boundaries for the future. In every unpleasant situation there is wisdom to be extracted, lessons to be learned. Before you decide when to forgive somebody, it is always helpful to have a close look at what lessons you can learn from the situation, and how you can do better in the future. After you've learn your lessons and how to draw boundaries, it is now a good time to let go.

In stead of rushing to forgive someone by practicing meditation, you can use this ancient practice to do what it does best - to let you clear your mind. Meditation helps you develop a laser sharp focus so you can correctly define and diagnose the problem that bothers you. It also helps you to come up with coping strategies and solutions that you don't normally see. For example, you may find it hard to forgive your parents who you think mistreated you, when your mind is still and clear, you may be able to see that the problem isn't totally about them, rather it also has to do with your communication skills. When you correctly identified the problem, you are in a much better position to improve the situation.

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Do self help books really work?

Do self help books really work? Researchers in the Netherlands investigated whether books on personal growth indeed brought positive changes in people's lives. The point of the research was to investigate if and how popular "positive psychology" books were effective in enhancing self esteem. The result is perhaps not surprising: self help books are most effective if they are problem-focused. [1]

Scientifically, self help books and programs were found to be effective in treatment of certain disorders, some books were even able to produce positive outcomes that were comparable to therapist-administered treatments [2] Researches found that self help books and programs are most effective for anxiety, depression, mild alcohol abuse, insomnia and sexual dysfunction. However, due to the sheer volume of self help books published every week, some have not gone through rigorous reviews, and their recommended methodologies are often untested and may be scientifically unsound. Individuals who need help and insight into their behavior and problems may be doing themselves a disservice if they believe in every word they see on these books.

The current study quoted scientific evidences against certain self help myths. For example, positive self affirmation alone was not enough in building self esteem, in order to experience true happiness, one also needed positive feedback from others. Goal visualization also required concrete actions to make one's dream a reality. These findings come as little surprise, as no self help books can promise any drastic changes if the readers do not apply what they have learned and take actions to better their lives, the same ways that no fitness program can promise a fitter body if the person who bought the membership choose not to use the gym. Some effort and perhaps uncomfortable changes are required for any self improvement programs.

Imposed optimism is a major psychological trap in our society. Individuals in need of help and guidance are coached into forcing themselves to think positive. Psychologists have found that personality traits are both determined by nature and nurture. Ignoring the fact that who we are and how we think are partly determined biologically, we may find ourselves in situations which we put in a great deal of effort to try to be positive all the time when our instinct tells us not too look through rosy glasses. Such blind faith and false hope may lead us to nowhere. A healthy dose of pessimism, a realistic look of the likely cost and benefits of our actions, together with reasonable expectation grounded in reality, may be just as beneficial to us as individuals as a healthy dose of optimism.

Sources:

[1] Bergsma, Ad; Journal of Happiness Studies, Vol 9(3), Sep 2008. pp. 341-360.

[2]Den Boer, P. C., Wiersma, D., & Van den Bosch, R. J. (2004). Why is self-help neglected in the treatment of emotional disorders? A meta-analysis. Psychological Medicine, 34, 959-971.

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Office Politics

Office politics is a tricky subject. And it is safe to say that for some people, these two words elicit the same level of pain and discomfort as words such as "cancer".

There are thousands of books written about how to survive in a political environment, the best ones however, are written not by HR practitioners but business people who have been in the trenches. Jack Welch's books provide a brutal and uncomfortable - yet realistic view of how to handle office politics. Since we can not stop gossip spread about us or choose our managers, it is wise to focus our efforts on influencing how we respond to the environment.

It seems that there is no finite set of strategies that can help you tackle every sticky political situations. Over the years, I observed that if we are able to align ourselves with the the following groups of people, our lives will be much easier:

Informal power holders - workers who have gained the respect of their colleagues because of their knowledge and expertise. They often have deep connections within the formal leadership and to a certain extend, have a say as to who stays and who goes.

Managers of other departments who sit close by - these group of people have similar level of experience and people skills to rise through the ranks as your own managers, however, the lack of conflicting interests means that they are more open and willing to inform you the economic reality of the firm (e.g. upcoming downsizing) or your own areas of improvement.

Things that I guarantee you will create stress to colleagues and thus make enemies:

* Make excessive personal calls and talk loudly
* Wear too much perfume
* Bring smelly food and eat at the desk
* Use the F word excessively


These are just the basics. But many seem to be oblivious to their behavior and unnecessarily make themselves unpopular.

Here are some things to do if you are stressed out:



* Make use of the third party counseling hotline or services paid for by HR (Be careful when disclosing information, especially if your company does not have a contracted third party to handle requests and counsel in house, your information may not be confidential)
* Visit a day spa
* Treat yourself to a luxurious lunch on Fridays
* Get a good night of sleep every night
* Read about politics, history and poetry.
* Paint
* Meditate

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